Notes App Reflections.
I was scrolling on my notes app in search of clues to any revelations from the past year. On this first, second, third, fourth day of January, I feel compelled to “reflect.” Unfortunately, the biggest revelation is that 2023 was not the year I made it a habit to record my moods or thoughts in my notes app. The subject lines are for the most part basic (“Read 2023”) or boring (“Policy Number xea909184585”). The mundanity of to-do lists, sandwiched between numbers I apparently need to remember, don’t tell the story of my year the way I was hoping. A note from 11/24 simply reads “fizzy knickers” - no additional text.
I’ve never been particularly inclined toward self-reflection. I lack the discipline to keep a diary, and my few feeble attempts have only served to make me self conscious. If I don’t have anything profound to say, why say it? I’ve also always nurtured a fear of spontaneously dying and having my most personal thoughts published posthumously, despite not being at any heightened risk for spontaneous death or being published alive, let alone dead.
However, in between the reminders to pick up cat litter and a list of Joanne Woodward movies to watch, I stumble across the note “Mom’s Memorial.” The note reads: “Music: Bach’s Messiah, Prince. Speakers: anybody who is funny.” The note is from September, a few months after receiving a long-awaited diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. It’s a perfect reflection of my mother: practical and to the point. It is what it is and so it is.
My mother is still here, so to speak. The extent of her memory loss has not edged past forgetting proper nouns, though that happens every sentence and is marred with an acute “FUCK!” that she emits more and more frequently. Items are misplaced, words are misspelled, and her once razor sharp edges are undeniably duller. Loss is casual before it becomes callous.
There is more to be said, and in time I will. For now, I’m entering January with the same note I always do: “Books Read 2024.” And this year, for good measure, “Reflect On Fizzy Knickers.”